Dear Diabetes,

Posted: December 6, 2017 in Uncategorized

When I learned about your name I only thought you were involved with older people. You were the sugar monster from far away. Then one day I saw you getting a hold of my dad. He seemed to accommodate you well so I still didn’t think too much of you. One day you came into my life. I received a harsh introduction from you. I remember a lot of tears and sudden introduction to pills and injections. I was only fourteen years old and I was told you came in two different types being 1 and 2.  This was confusing at first because you were both the same but yet recognizing different. Your influence on me meant I couldn’t eat and act like others my age. But I refused to listen to how you wanted me to live my life and because of this I started getting weak, so weak I could barely play any sports or even walk ups stairs comfortably. I started running to the bathroom every other minute because my bladder couldn’t handle it. I suddenly lost 20kgs and my eye sight just got worse. I really hated you and because of this I got very depressed  but nevertheless I figured rejecting you into my life wasn’t such a good idea because there were so many consequences to deal with.

So I decided to try again. Took up all the recommendations I was given by the doctor and started to feel good again. I must admit I didn’t want any of my friends knowing about you at first. I already felt ashamed of my body and took in the teasing from my peers about my size. I couldn’t take any more judgement. But whether I liked it or not you were here to stay and not going away. I tried to pray you away or take short cuts but none of them worked. I grew up with you and as much as I thought I was in control of you, I really wasn’t. I realized this when I developed cataracts. It was an eye opener both mentally and physically especially after I had them removed at 19 years old. I knew I couldn’t be struggling in this alone. This made me go out and start looking for others like me. I found them and at all ages. Both younger and older than me and decided I can start an online group where we can share how you came into all our lives. The stereotype that you only affected old people was totally wrong. With this group I learned that others had struggled much worse than I thought I had. Through this I realized I had a bigger purpose than just trying to barely control you. I could use the way you used me but this time to make a better and stronger version of myself and at the same time help as many people as I could. I didn’t care whether I wasn’t the standard size society wanted me to be but I would be the best person I could be.

I felt really good when I put in the work. When I ate in a way my body agreed to, when I consistently became active and changed the way I handled stress. You became more of a friendly monster that only attempted to scare me when I did wrong to you. My prayer is that one-day no one will be defeated by you but encouraged instead.  You may have taken a few lives and others may be really suffering because of you but not me. You started out being the worst thing that happened to me in my early age but now at 28 years old I have never felt stronger.  So thank you for transforming me to this beautiful young lady who has a purpose, a drive and the alertness that the only thing that can stop me from living my life to the full is me.

Your weak friend gone strong,

Lorna the fitdiabetic

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This life of ours is just so funny. I think we just need to flip the things that are meant to break us and see the humour in them. I keep laughing at myself now because of some of the silly that happen to me as a diabetic and probably most diabetics but we aren’t all the same.

Where did I put my keys again?

This tends to happen to many of us especially as we grow older. So sometimes I’m like “Did i take my meds today?” hmmmm. So you decide to take them again just in case. Then it hits you, “damn it, I did take them and now I have taken them twice”. Even worse is when you are on insulin and take it twice. Oh well *shrugs shoulders and gives excuse to eat more and recover  🙂

Slow motion

I remember the days for when I was weak due to high/uncontrolled blood sugar readings. So I would fall a lot and I mean a lot. Then sometimes you don’t even know what you have fallen from. You look back and be like “now how did grass trip me?” Lol. Now when people have witnessed this falling from nothing, it looks like you’re in slow motion. You literally don’t feel in control of your own body so you just let it happen and fall. The best way to feel better about an embarrassing situation is just to laugh it off . It actually makes you start genuinely laughing (with the chance of also making you look a bit nuts but what is life without those moments)

I see you. Okay, maybe I don’t really

This one reminds me of Penguins of Madagascar when they go like “just smile and wave boys, just smile and wave”. So I had cataracts for some of my years and then had them removed in 2008. My eye sight improved but it’s still not exactly perfect. So in class, in Uni more precisely, I wouldn’t see the lecturers facial expressions very well depending on the light in that room. They could be talking with joy or disappointment  but I would just be there smiling and nodding my head agreeing to whatever they are saying. Then now when I am out somewhere and someone waves at me very vigorously, I would wave back with the same enthusiasm but then again find out it’s not me they are waving at. Oops 🙂 So now I just smile and wait for them to come closer to see if I really know who they are. Guys, I am not a snob okay? Now you know.

Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol 

Let me start with don’t drink if you don’t have to and especially if you are underage. So yes I do have my drink every now and again but on certain terms and conditions. I have to check my blood sugar readings before and after and I try not to over do it, or take drinks with mixers like soda (unless it’s coke zero), or do cocktails that I don’t know what’s in them and such like things. But now you can actually feel like you are drunk just because your blood sugar is high. It’s kinda funny because if your blood sugar rises and you are drinking you can feel high and not because of the booze but because of the spike. That time you have had very little alcohol or even maybe no alcohol at all (seriously you’re just full of energy). But that’s why you have to check yourself before and after  you drink. So I don’t always blame it on the alcohol.

I think I just pee’d a little 

I think maybe if you are pregnant, sick, under the age of 10 years or are just really really pressed then you have gone through this. Now imagine you can’t just help to control yourself but also can’t help having a good laugh. Have you ever done a game night? If you haven’t you just simply must. It’s fun and hilarious at the same time. But those bursts of laughter, my goodness. Just take precaution when you do so because you just control those moments.

It’s never that serious

All in all when I look back and remember these times I just laugh at myself. I am generally a bit of a clumsy person and I am so sure I inherited it because I am definitely not the only one in my family.  But most of these things happened back when I wasn’t really in control of the situation (the situation being the uncontrolled diabetes). But somehow my coordination is actually a bit better now and I have also learned some tricks here and there. The way I work out now and eat and just generally push myself into positivity makes life full of joy and definitely gives you something to laugh about. It’s about life and turning negatives into positives and what keeps you going. My progress in fitness, health and being an all round better person are what keep me going. Be happy, live, learn and enjoy life.  Don’t forget to be thankful then go work out 🙂

 

PhotoGrid_1497892389390This isn’t really a post, its more of a celebration. In the past, I don’t remember feeling any better than I currently do. So lately I have really enjoyed working out. I had slacked because these home work outs need some sort of discipline that I was only able to maintain for a few months. This made me join a gym. I am currently in my 2nd month in this gym but I love it. I go as frequently as I can and push myself only for that one hour. I also was a part of starting fitness classes at work and I now coordinate them. How jazzed am I (yes I still use that word) that I get to do this. Firstly it gets me excited to see other people get into fitness and also to experience so many different techniques of working out. Aki you just can’t get bored and neither can your body. From Zumba to taebo, hiit to circuit training, fat blast to tabata and so much more. Things I didn’t even know existed. Occasionally I will go for a polite swim or a 2 hour walk for taking it easy. I sometimes forget I need to rest till my body forces me to. Goal is not solely weight loss but fitness, health and being a badass 🙂

In addition to that I have never had this much energy on a daily basis. I am literally oozing it out, left, right and centre. An additional prop is how amazing my skin feels and looks. Lately I have been getting a lot of “which foundation do you use?” like questions. Let me just say this, you can touch my hair but please don’t touch my face to check if I have foundation. No I do not wear foundation and my regimen is a wet wipe face wipe before I sleep and in the morning I wash my face with minimal soap and then apply Nivea.

But believe you me this happy phase does not mean I don’t get upset. I still get mad and sad and I am human and it is totally fine. I just try not to let my emotions take control. Whether its at work or with people or just that ka lonely feeling from time to time. I make a conscious effort for the feeling to be as temporary as possible and get back to where I want to be. Speaking of that ka lonely feeling. You know how us chics (especially around my age) get that pressure for how we should be getting that someone somewhere soon? But then now you kinda want to hang out with me but you kinda also don’t want to be involved or committed but also you don’t want to make any effort to kinda want to? (yes I am talking about the those guys). So this is where I am and have wanted to be (not single per say but also not desperate). I have  learned a lot lately on how to have so much respect for myself, not to put myself in compromising situations and to definitely not let anyone take me for granted. It may not be very humble to say this but imagine I am a nice person (I really think I am) and the people who see that, I call my friends. And the one who really wants to see it even more will take advantage of it in the right way. Trust me, I believe in love but not the one that comes with flashiness on the outside and heartache on the inside. This has made me avoid jealousy (of the few happy couples I know) to actually appreciating the ones living a legit happy life with their significant other. We should be happy for those who make it work in this day and age, not try and tamper with it.

Over and above everything this is the kind of spot I have always wanted to fit myself in without quite realizing it. Even being broke (end month) doesn’t stress me out because I know I have never gone a day without a meal. Being my size doesn’t stress me either because ebu we go see what happens when we put this body of mine to the test. I pass all my medical tests and how can I not be happy about that? Just because some mathematical equation tells me how obese I shouldn’t be from my height, weight and age? Utter rubbish to me. Then, please stop it, yes stop it right now. Stop hanging out with those people who simply drain you. Those one’s who take advantage of you (I know you’re thinking of someone right now). Stop looking for what you think people will like you to do. I can spend a whole day doing absolutely everything I love in my own company and get home just as happy as that “freaking awesome night”. I will eat that burger I have been craving for (once in a while) and dance in my bra (by myself in the house) because these are the things that make my happy. Yes I will also fail and get disappointed but those are called necessary evils. This is why this is the most amazing time of my life and it doesn’t end there. Just wait till I start doing big things. Today you have a good day then tomorrow you have a bad day but you still have to wake up the next day and every single day after that. So do something about it. Live, Love and always be thankful.

before after

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I am sometimes so obsessed with these transformations I see from people on instagram. They’re probably not all true but I enjoy seeing what someone has made of their lives and how much progress they keep making. But I realize in addition the body transformation that I seek for, I have been making a mind and spirit transformation as well. I recently was not feeling too good. My bs (blood sugar) levels were off the roof. Whatever I tried was just not working anymore. I wondered if it’s because I stopped going to the gym (I do home workouts now except Sunday’s) or because I am stressed (I don’t feel like I am) or something of the sort. As any other good diabetic patient would do I took myself to the doctor and it turned out I just needed to start taking medication again. After being off them for a year, I felt invincible but I was back to them. As bummed as I initially was, there’s this feeling I started to feel again once I started taking them again. This feeling of just pure bliss.

See, what happens sometimes is that when your bs levels start fluctuating a lot then so does your mood sometimes.  Therefore, this made me pretty moody and tired most of the time (if I said or did anything to you that didn’t seem like myself, well now you know why and I’m sorry 😦 ). So now when I get this feeling of joy I am like a little girl. I feel like I can go passing bits of my little joy to everyone around me. I want everyone to feel like this. This is the journey of my transformation. A transformation isn’t only about changing your outward appearance but also about changing how you feel everyday. How you interact with people, how you respond to stressful situations, how you push yourself to do a little bit more than you did yesterday. I sometimes have conversations right now with people that I may not particularly like but I don’t have to get the last word in. I don’t have to give other people an impression of myself who don’t affect my ability to do and be better.

To be honest I really should be blaming my punching bag for giving me a new sense of calm. You see I always wanted a punching bag since I was about 12 years old. I would put a pillow up against the wall in my bedroom and punch it till I calmed down but back then it wouldn’t always particularly work. The punching bag I have now is just a solution towards otherwise throwing words to someone or running away from my problems (in a addition to being a baddass 🙂 ). You know how some of us chics can be sometimes right? You want to explain yourself about why you are still single (just an example) or leave an argument with the last word or find a way to get that last word in. But why? So that tomorrow you become prettier from it or somehow make money out of it?  Just channel that into something else and you feel so much better the next day. We live in a very high pressured society. At least that’s what I think, where social media depicts how you should be in a relationship or how you should look and feel and all that stuff but do you really derive any joy from all that?

Yes, sometimes I feel my body should look a lot different by now or I should be well on my way to starting a family or earning much better money but honestly we will always feel like that at some point in our lives. The little bits of joy are what I focus on. Such as this feeling of being healthy (even if on meds), of that friend who appreciated me today, of that meal I was able to treat someone to or the gratitude of that person I was able to help. I am working on some stuff right now because I still have a lot of work to do on myself but in the meantime I won’t forget to seek that sense of zen when I am hit with the tough times. My transformation journey is more that just the basics, its about my mind, body and spirit. Be thankful and kind. Live, love and learn my people.

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LIVE, LOVE LEARN

Please! No pressure this year

Posted: January 16, 2017 in Uncategorized

img-20161214-wa0007January 16, 2017 already. Despite all the success I feel that happened to me in 2016 I can’t help to remember the one thing that was constantly on my mind. Pressure and mostly from myself. My best friend got married late last year and I couldn’t be happier for her but I couldn’t help to feel just a little bit of pressure (I actually caught the bouquet 🙂 ). I have some of the most awesome friends, especially her because I have always somewhat envied her. She is the kind of person who pretty much can tell bull coming out from anyone from the very beginning. She likes what she likes and has never regretted it, is ambitious and has one of the kindest hearts I know. In fact in the very beginning I used to wonder how we even became friends because when we met I was that awkward, shy girl who dressed up like a tomboy and she was the pretty, girly chic that I thought must have plenty of friends just like her. But when I stopped envying everything I started to appreciate her more, I knew how important it is to have friends of quality, who won’t allow you to take in nonsense from other people and who remind you to just be you. Makes sense that someone else would see this kindness in her.

So here I am after going for these weddings (the one’s I could make it to) and seeing all this happiness around me and I couldn’t help to wonder why my 2016 didn’t include this kind of happiness to be one of my successes. But you know what, December was here and why not just enjoy it? I enjoyed it so much that I think I let myself drown in it a little. Some of the things I considered achievements in 2016 seemed to be getting lost in December and I was barely hanging on. I mean everyone had the mentality of let’s make merry now and think about it when we are broke in January. My exercises and eating habits dipped a bit until my body asked me “do you want to go back to insulin? because we can do it if you keep putting me under this kinda pressure”. I looked at myself in the mirror and said “we cannot go back to where we were”. The thing I actually really enjoyed was meeting people. I really love meeting people but I was meeting them in all the wrong places and for all the wrong reasons. I knew these temporary “mjienjoyoz” will cost me.

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“we cannot go back to where we were”

It takes small acts of change every day to make a big impact or change in your life. Instead of picking up my phone to text someone because I am bored, why not pick a book or take a walk instead. Instead of thinking how single I am when people are huko taking couple selfies why not go to the gym and keep improving and working on myself. What is this pressure we give ourselves? because at the end of the day you need to be happy. Whether its happiness in giving or happiness in perfecting your talent or happiness in art, you need to find it and have to to keep going at it even when you don’t feel appreciated. I am not saying don’t have fun but do it because it gives you joy and not just for the sake of it. For me of course all this can’t happen if I am not grateful every day and for every opportunity I can get. Actor Terry Crews was once asked in an interview how he stays so positive all the time(being that he’s always full of energy) and he answered “the key to energy is gratitude, it’s truly truly gratitude. The more thankful you are, the more energy you get”

Therefore, make the mistakes, be embarrassed, be let down by people once in a while and allow the failure to happen sometimes. When you become successful in something, you want to remain there and you can only do so  if you keep making changes and learning from the failures. Be consistent as well. I have been consistent in recording my food intake (and very honest at it, even when it’s scary), at being active (not a week goes by without it) and at checking my blood sugar levels daily (even when I misbehave sometimes). Don’t sell yourself short for others and be you.

I am still looking for work out buddies. I want to achieve quite a number of things physically this year  So if you are serious and are interested please leave a comment below. Live life, love life.

 

 

 

Why was I made like this?

Posted: November 13, 2016 in Uncategorized

Body image issues,  Who doesn’t have them right? I recently met a friend that I knew as a teenager back in high school and back then I used to find her absolutely gorgeous. But now the day we met I got to find out that she was really being bullied about her appearance.  I was so stunned because all I saw was beauty but all she saw was darkness and ugliness.

I have always suffered from self image issues. I’d look at almost everyone else and compare myself to them and say or think things like “at least she has a smaller tummy than mine,  at least her hair is longer than mine,  at least she has a bigger butt compared to mine and so on and so forth. I would find something good in almost everyone else’s appearance except mine.  So I wore baggy clothes to hide it all and never showed any skin, especially my arms and tummy. I wouldn’t allow anyone to dare touch those “flubby” areas because of being judged for it. I’d wonder who would even like me or talk to me because of how I looked.  If someone called me pretty or beautiful I’d just be like “you’re lying” or “what do you want?”in my head. We criticize and judge ourselves so much based on other people’s opinions yet all these other people also have their own insecurities. That girl you think who looks so skinny, has insecurities about her skin colour, that girl who seems to be easily fit can’t seem to keep down a meal, that really smart and wealthy girl, has a parent constantly telling her how useless she is.  We don’t know what other people go through at all. If you don’t like something about yourself change it because you want to be better and not because people will have something to say about it.

Right now I am on a journey. It’s a lifetime journey, a journey that only goes on because I have learned the following things. Firstly to let go of the past and let go of all the negative things I was told before because right now they don’t even matter anymore. Secondly, to look at myself in the mirror and just be like,. I love my arms, I love my tummy and I am beautifully and wonderfully made. Thirdly, to surround myself with people who build me and not people who drain me. And lastly, (we can do this one together) to stop comparing ourselves to others. I have to admit that as I’m still reforming some comments still surprise me.  The thing is, if you don’t appreciate yourself now, even if you change to be the most fit, perfect body, healthy, successful kind of person, you’ll still look for something wrong with you and hence live a very stressful and sad life. When you find purpose and meaning for your life beyond just the superficial things then you open both your body and mind up to stupendous things. Thank you for joining me on my journey and as I say if I can manage to inspire even one person, I can sleep well at night.

Three crazy – ish things have happened in my life this year, I ran a half marathon(21km), I have gotten off half of my medication  (insulin to be precise)  and my father passed away. All these things have pushed me to understand myself so much better and understand truly why I was made like this.

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Why do I do these things?

I Quit

Posted: October 6, 2016 in Uncategorized

I quit. What do I quit? I quit life. To be very honest I have had a rough couple of months. Maen,  the number of days I have had where I just feel frustrated, stressed, overwhelmed and sad are just too many. I just want to say “screw it”and quit. Just quit trying all of it. I looked at myself in the mirror and felt really disgusted and asked myself what exactly have  I accomplished at this tender age of 27. I imagined so much more of my life right now. That feeling of stress every single day for a couple of days isn’t good at all.

All these stressors seemed to be external factors and why couldn’t they just all go away and why does being an adult have to be so damn hard? Why do I have to do things I don’t want to just to get where I want to? I then decided to pick up this book called five major pieces to the life puzzle, given to me by a very good friend that said “ You can have more than you’ve got because you can become more than you are”. Reading further, the author John Rohn says “Failure is nothing more than a few errors in judgment repeated every day.”

He gave examples of like eating the wrong food every day, drinking or smoking too much and how they may not have consequences today or tomorrow but because the sky won’t fall on you today, you keep doing it until you realize the negative effect of it years later. So I asked myself what am I doing now that can affect my life now and make me not have to feel the way I am feeling at this moment. Things like just getting home to watch telly after a long day won’t make the next day any better, things like eating junk will keep making me look at the mirror and hate myself.  So I decided to do something that calms me down and the first thing I did is went  outside after reaching home one day and looked at the sky (I am a sucker for the stars and the moon) and said “damn it, I am so damn lucky”.  Here I am complaining and people out there have barely nothing and can afford a smile on their faces. For goodness sake I have a job that helps me interact with people and pay my bills and have a ka nice lunch every now and again, I have such a loving and supportive mother and family and I have hot water in the morning and I have been freaking insulin free for the past 6 months after over 10 years of the thing. Fine, I don’t have the body I want yet but I love the body I have now that has the ability to kick ass, I may not be in some happy, long term relationship or married but I have the people who challenge me and push me to become better and fine, I don’t like everyone I have to interact with on a daily basis (especially matatus and bad drivers) but I have people who will call me just to tell me a kind word today.

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Keep Pushing

God bless my brother because sometimes some very wise words can come out from him (key word – sometimes 🙂 ). He told me that I am stronger than I think I am and sometimes these situations in life come to you for you to reach your full potential so stay true to yourself and the world around you will be as it needs to be. His words actually inspired me to write this post.

I have literally been looked down upon for being “too positive” for trying to lift someone’s spirits up but that doesn’t mean I change myself just because I look on the brighter side of things. So yes I will struggle today. I will struggle to kick-box at the gym sometimes; I will struggle to run as I train for the marathon and I will even struggle to wake up and go to work tomorrow but as long as I know I am staying true to myself the rest will follow. I may lose friends and relationships on the way but it’s all worth it when I end up exactly where I want to be, with the right people and pushing myself to reach my full potential. Do not give up. I would rather die trying than know I didn’t try at all.

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Do not give up